When does anyone really know what the hell is going on in the world around them? Most of the time we're all staring at our own proverbial belly-buttons, half expecting the rest of the world to be as concerned as we are. We are often times more absorbed in our own crap, that we never pay attention to the loved ones around us in need of our attention.

What can I say? My life has been a tumultuous ride these past months, and the one thing that has kept me through is my wife and kids. I wish I could say that I was a good little Christian and kept my faith through it all, but it really did get to a point where all I wanted was to be a good provider. Nothing else. No divine will, or seeking His path. I just wanted a decent paying job, where I could pay bills and play with my kids.

I guess I haven't strayed away from much of that. God's will has not been the top of my priorities, though I've tried to fit Him in where it seemed appropriate. Something would happen in my life (like the Huntsville opportunity), and after planning all of the internal hype in my mind, it would be a moment where, "oh, yeah! It'd be neat if God was the orchestration for all of this." knowing full well I was the architect.

The truth is, I do want God's will for my life, but right now it doesn't seem very convenient. As horribly inaccurate some may read into that, it's very telling of the mental abuse and self doubt my psyche has been riddled with as of late.

So - my life does seem like a sham. My heart desires to follow God - but scared to commit, for fear of failure and humiliation one more time.

Where to from here? (for any of us?)